Today, October 3, 2014, I am feeling
some type of way. As shared on my previous blog, “Allow Yourself to be Used”, my son sustained a traumatic brain injury on May 16, 2014. This
incident has impacted our lives’ in so many ways. There have been many ups and
downs, good and bad, and stronger and weaker days. On this blog, I want to talk
about how I am feeling today.
I am frustrated. I am angry. Yup. Oh, and I want a big slice of chocolate cake from Publix.
On September 26th, I
found out the woman who is accused of causing these injuries to my child had made
bond, and is now out of jail. I also found out that she had been out since the
31st of August. This information immediately sent anxiety through
me. She lives within 15 miles of my home. I have not considered how I would
react if I saw her on the street; yet, I know it would not have been good if I
saw her without knowing she had been released. Having this information now hasn’t
really given me any peace, but I do feel better prepared.
I also found out she is working and
seems unfazed when asked about what happened to my son. My body wanted to fill
with rage at that moment, and then I had to consider who I was dealing with. We
have found that this woman is a habitual liar and an actor. I have doubts about her working, and she is an older woman and I am certain is terrified about going to prison. There have been
many untruths unveiled throughout this investigation, so I'm trying to let it roll
off of my back.
I am enraged with the
thought of her working. Our household has taken a tremendous hit because of her
actions. I had just received a promotion a few weeks before this happened. I
had put in my 60 notice at my apartment complex, and was looking into finding a
home so that Myles could have more outdoor play, and maybe even a dog. I was
planning out how to save money in order to send him to private school. I had so
many plans that would ensure Myles would have the quality of life I believed he
deserved. And it all came crashing down.
I’ve had to seek
support and assistance to make sure things come together. Each month there has
been some crisis, from a vehicle being stolen then found inoperable, to the
motor going completely out in the other vehicle. The lights are on by the hair
of our chiny-chin-chin. I do not trust placing Myles back into daycare, so
going back to work is not an option until I know he is able to tell me what is
happening around him. Disability (SSI), of course, is taking their ever-loving
time to approve Myles, so we wait. My frustration is great.
Then, at the very moment everything feels like it is crashing
down on me, I count my blessings. I have my baby back. There is no greater gift
God could possibly supply me with. I’d give anything to take the pain he went
through onto myself, but God ever-so graciously has healed him, and brought my
little Tasmanian devil back. So many people poured into our bosom during the time Myles was hospitalized, which made that part of the journey so much easier. I have a beautifully family that enabled us to take a vacation after going through something so traumatic. Our light bill for last month was taken care of by some
loving friends, which leaves me feeling overwhelmingly blessed. Our basic needs are met, and
we are all in good health. Thank God!
The truth is, life has a way of slapping us in the face,
leaving its handprint behind. Romans 8:18 says, “I consider that our present
sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”(NIV).
And I believe it. I have faith. There is no mistaken that we witnessed God’s glory in the healing of Myles'.
Earlier this week I took Myles by the Pediatric Intensive
Care Unit where he was initially admitted. They asked me to bring him by when
he got better. My truth- There was a doctor at this hospital that thought I was
not being rational while Myles was admitted, and I wanted him to see the results of faith. (This is the doctor who was about to send in a palliative (hospice)
care team to talk about our options.) During Myles’ stay, this doctor did not believe
that I was receiving the information they would present me with. I absolutely
did, because I am a realist; but, I am also a praying mother. He attempted to
send a few people in our room, the Chaplin, a Nurse Practitioner, other nurses
and doctors, to feel me out. Each of them would say to me, “I don’t know what
he’s seeing, but it’s very clear that you understand what is going. Continue to
have hope.” (Or something to that nature). And I did. When this doctor laid his eyes on him on this past Tuesday, all he could say was,
“Wow.” That, and the look on his face, said enough.
This miracle was the glory of God revealed in us. Myles is a
very strong child, and I absolutely contribute his strength to being a part of
his healing. However, I believe having faith brought him through. All of the
people who prayed and truly believed played a part in this miracle. And I don’t
believe God is finished yet.
God knows our hardest struggles and our deepest desires. We
are not counted out yet. I have total and complete faith that all of the things
I desire to do for Myles will come to pass. These awful, painful moments of not
knowing how a bill will get paid or how we will have transportation will not
always be there. These moments do not come so that we can gripe and
complain and dwell in negative thoughts. The truth is, it’s frustrating and it makes
me angry, but I have my eyes set on God. If this is a test, I want to pass with
flying colors.
Today, I went to God
and told Him my true emotions. I have never found any purpose in pretending
things do not bother me. But I don’t stay there. I count my blessings, find
encouragement where I can, and keep it moving. Don’t let the stresses you
currently have allow you to miss the blessing to come. Keep your eyes set on
God’s promises, have faith, and keep going. I can’t wait for you to witness
your testimony.
Peace.
If you have any comments, questions, suggestions, or prayer requests, please feel free to email me at: faithfrfr2014@gmail.com.
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